This post is in response to the previous comments and a "extension" or so to say, of a reply to those comments. Ever seen I've began attending OCS, I started to remember why I didn't like it there - the people. Even if there were people at Ward that I didn't like, I could easily avoid them or spend the least amount of time with them as possible.
For example, I believe it was Friday, in World Issues, I wasn't sure where to sit, so I sat down where I had the previous day. I knew it was the same seat because of the guy who was sitting behind me, and because, well, obviously I could remember that I sat there. Then, this...*cringes* girl, comes over to me with this attitude, going:
her: Excuse me, this is my friends seat. She was sitting here.
me: *caught off guard* What?
her: You're sitting in my friend's seat.
me: I was sitting here yesterday. (Thinking: And even if I wasn't, I wouldn't give a fuck - what are you, 12?)
her: No you weren't, she was sitting right there. That's her seat.
me: Well that's impossible because I -
her: You WEREN'T sitting there but whatever.
And with a flip of her high head she turns away and retreats back to her seat. Later on I hear her bitching to her friends about how I stole her friend's seat.
(Shit, I just wrote more stuff, but I deleted it by accident. *tries to remember* Okay.)
Suddenly the feeling of being trapped in children's clothing pressured down on me, and the other kids didn't know that. I am lower to them, on a different social status.
Now let's get into
why. There are many unfair reasons to this, ones that I'm sure you all know. Like stereo-typing, or like how the strong walk over the weak. (Like how I appear to be, a silent, timid girl a.k.a LOSER) But it goes deeper then that. I'm sure my close friends
know that this stereo-type isn't the case. I'm sure you guys would say that I'm actually very open and what not. Of course, that's because you guys know me, and the others only see my "wall".
My wall has existed ever since I was a child, and when it came up I don't exactly know. What I do know is that I was not always like this, and that the amount of teasing I recieved was enormous. Pretty much I was the class loser, outcast, one-to-be-picked on. I think this wall slowly developed. I remember as a child other kids taking advantage of me. The popular girls used me as their lackie(?). Memories come to mind at how many times I was being teased and taken advantage of. It continued on and on, even to St. Kevin's, the ele. school I graduated from. Is this around where it started, I wonder? Maybe by this time it was just getting worse. By grade 8 I think the wall had almost been finished being built. Around this time I grew a hate for the stereo-typical "popular kids", and gained my own stereo-types, avoiding that group all-together. In fact I was a rebel who had been outcasted by the popular group. Something I'm sure their ring-leader doesn't even remember today. Call me childish for holding onto to this, but even if I didn't want to, I still do. Some things you can't control how they affect you, how they shape you.
The walll was pretty much made because over time I clearly learned something: people don't like the REAL me. Constantly I was stepping out of line with how "open" I was, constantly I was slipping up and managing to embarrass myself. This made me have to start to control myself, and if everything I did was such a slip-up, then I would shut-up all together. I would place this false wall in front of me, or maybe it's better to say that I live inside a box, one only my closet friends can enter. By now, after all these high-school years, I am completely inept on making friends, on knowing how to open myself without that fear of making a jack-ass of myself.
I can't do it. I know I can't. I'm not asking for any help or anything. I'm just expressing my feelings. This is who I am, maybe it will change, I'm still young...but...I don't know. I always try to stay out of the picture, hidden away, because those who are not seen are not talked about. I don't like, "the popular group" and the shit that they get into. I'm safe, safe, safe, security is what I strive for. And yet that little muffled cry is within me, I suppose it's that little bit of me that's a "sag" (half-horse, half-man d00d...from astrology).
BUT, I don't ever even WANT to make friends with any of those people who ever walked over me. Whoever thought that I was more lowly then them. Whoever attempted, and even succeeded to take advantage of me.
If I speak they think I'm a loser. If I don't speak they think I'm a bitch with attitude, or someone who can be walked over.
Turmoil. >.< I wanna leave school as fast as possible, I want to be in control of my life, which is *definitly* not how I feel in OCS, in contrast to Ward.
Anyway...I'm feeling better now. Even though I have to endure an hour of lunch-time with niners and eleveners. Which brings up something else that happened, but I wont get into it.
sry guys.
